The Parasite: A Story Read online

will think me very impertinent,no doubt, but, none the less, I feel it to be my duty to advise you tohave no more to do with her."

  Of course I asked him why.

  "I am so placed that I cannot enter into particulars as freely as Icould wish," said he. "Miss Penclosa is the friend of my friend, andmy position is a delicate one. I can only say this: that I have myselfbeen the subject of some of the woman's experiments, and that they haveleft a most unpleasant impression upon my mind."

  He could hardly expect me to be satisfied with that, and I tried hardto get something more definite out of him, but without success. Is itconceivable that he could be jealous at my having superseded him? Oris he one of those men of science who feel personally injured whenfacts run counter to their preconceived opinions? He cannot seriouslysuppose that because he has some vague grievance I am, therefore, toabandon a series of experiments which promise to be so fruitful ofresults. He appeared to be annoyed at the light way in which I treatedhis shadowy warnings, and we parted with some little coldness on bothsides.

  March 31. Mesmerized by Miss P.

  April 1. Mesmerized by Miss P. (Note-book A.)

  April 2. Mesmerized by Miss P. (Sphygmographic chart taken byProfessor Wilson.)

  April 3. It is possible that this course of mesmerism may be a littletrying to the general constitution. Agatha says that I am thinner anddarker under the eyes. I am conscious of a nervous irritability whichI had not observed in myself before. The least noise, for example,makes me start, and the stupidity of a student causes me exasperationinstead of amusement. Agatha wishes me to stop, but I tell her thatevery course of study is trying, and that one can never attain a resultwith out paying some price for it. When she sees the sensation whichmy forthcoming paper on "The Relation between Mind and Matter" maymake, she will understand that it is worth a little nervous wear andtear. I should not be surprised if I got my F. R. S. over it.

  Mesmerized again in the evening. The effect is produced more rapidlynow, and the subjective visions are less marked. I keep full notes ofeach sitting. Wilson is leaving for town for a week or ten days, butwe shall not interrupt the experiments, which depend for their value asmuch upon my sensations as on his observations.

  April 4. I must be carefully on my guard. A complication has creptinto our experiments which I had not reckoned upon. In my eagernessfor scientific facts I have been foolishly blind to the human relationsbetween Miss Penclosa and myself. I can write here what I would notbreathe to a living soul. The unhappy woman appears to have formed anattachment for me.

  I should not say such a thing, even in the privacy of my own intimatejournal, if it had not come to such a pass that it is impossible toignore it. For some time,--that is, for the last week,--there havebeen signs which I have brushed aside and refused to think of. Herbrightness when I come, her dejection when I go, her eagerness that Ishould come often, the expression of her eyes, the tone of her voice--Itried to think that they meant nothing, and were, perhaps, only herardent West Indian manner. But last night, as I awoke from themesmeric sleep, I put out my hand, unconsciously, involuntarily, andclasped hers. When I came fully to myself, we were sitting with themlocked, she looking up at me with an expectant smile. And the horriblething was that I felt impelled to say what she expected me to say.What a false wretch I should have been! How I should have loathedmyself to-day had I yielded to the temptation of that moment! But,thank God, I was strong enough to spring up and hurry from the room. Iwas rude, I fear, but I could not, no, I COULD not, trust myselfanother moment. I, a gentleman, a man of honor, engaged to one of thesweetest girls in England--and yet in a moment of reasonless passion Inearly professed love for this woman whom I hardly know. She is farolder than myself and a cripple. It is monstrous, odious; and yet theimpulse was so strong that, had I stayed another minute in herpresence, I should have committed myself. What was it? I have toteach others the workings of our organism, and what do I know of itmyself? Was it the sudden upcropping of some lower stratum in mynature--a brutal primitive instinct suddenly asserting itself? I couldalmost believe the tales of obsession by evil spirits, so overmasteringwas the feeling.

  Well, the incident places me in a most unfortunate position. On theone hand, I am very loath to abandon a series of experiments which havealready gone so far, and which promise such brilliant results. On theother, if this unhappy woman has conceived a passion for me---- Butsurely even now I must have made some hideous mistake. She, with herage and her deformity! It is impossible. And then she knew aboutAgatha. She understood how I was placed. She only smiled out ofamusement, perhaps, when in my dazed state I seized her hand. It wasmy half-mesmerized brain which gave it a meaning, and sprang with suchbestial swiftness to meet it. I wish I could persuade myself that itwas indeed so. On the whole, perhaps, my wisest plan would be topostpone our other experiments until Wilson's return. I have written anote to Miss Penclosa, therefore, making no allusion to last night, butsaying that a press of work would cause me to interrupt our sittingsfor a few days. She has answered, formally enough, to say that if Ishould change my mind I should find her at home at the usual hour.

  10 P. M. Well, well, what a thing of straw I am! I am coming to knowmyself better of late, and the more I know the lower I fall in my ownestimation. Surely I was not always so weak as this. At four o'clockI should have smiled had any one told me that I should go to MissPenclosa's to-night, and yet, at eight, I was at Wilson's door asusual. I don't know how it occurred. The influence of habit, Isuppose. Perhaps there is a mesmeric craze as there is an opium craze,and I am a victim to it. I only know that as I worked in my study Ibecame more and more uneasy. I fidgeted. I worried. I could notconcentrate my mind upon the papers in front of me. And then, at last,almost before I knew what I was doing, I seized my hat and hurriedround to keep my usual appointment.

  We had an interesting evening. Mrs. Wilson was present during most ofthe time, which prevented the embarrassment which one at least of usmust have felt. Miss Penclosa's manner was quite the same as usual,and she expressed no surprise at my having come in spite of my note.There was nothing in her bearing to show that yesterday's incident hadmade any impression upon her, and so I am inclined to hope that Ioverrated it.

  April 6 (evening). No, no, no, I did not overrate it. I can no longerattempt to conceal from myself that this woman has conceived a passionfor me. It is monstrous, but it is true. Again, tonight, I awoke fromthe mesmeric trance to find my hand in hers, and to suffer that odiousfeeling which urges me to throw away my honor, my career, every thing,for the sake of this creature who, as I can plainly see when I am awayfrom her influence, possesses no single charm upon earth. But when Iam near her, I do not feel this. She rouses something in me, somethingevil, something I had rather not think of. She paralyzes my betternature, too, at the moment when she stimulates my worse. Decidedly itis not good for me to be near her.

  Last night was worse than before. Instead of flying I actually sat forsome time with my hand in hers talking over the most intimate subjectswith her. We spoke of Agatha, among other things. What could I havebeen dreaming of? Miss Penclosa said that she was conventional, and Iagreed with her. She spoke once or twice in a disparaging way of her,and I did not protest. What a creature I have been!

  Weak as I have proved myself to be, I am still strong enough to bringthis sort of thing to an end. It shall not happen again. I have senseenough to fly when I cannot fight. From this Sunday night onward Ishall never sit with Miss Penclosa again. Never! Let the experimentsgo, let the research come to an end; any thing is better than facingthis monstrous temptation which drags me so low. I have said nothingto Miss Penclosa, but I shall simply stay away. She can tell thereason without any words of mine.

  April 7. Have stayed away as I said. It is a pity to ruin such aninteresting investigation, but it would be a greater pity still to ruinmy life, and I KNOW that I cannot trust myself with that woman.

  11 P. M. Go
d help me! What is the matter with me? Am I going mad?Let me try and be calm and reason with myself. First of all I shallset down exactly what occurred.

  It was nearly eight when I wrote the lines with which this day begins.Feeling strangely restless and uneasy, I left my rooms and walked roundto spend the evening with Agatha and her mother. They both remarkedthat I was pale and haggard. About nine Professor Pratt-Haldane camein, and we played a game of whist. I tried hard to concentrate myattention upon the cards, but the feeling of restlessness grew and grewuntil I found it impossible to struggle against it. I simply COULD notsit still at the table. At last, in the very middle of a hand, I threwmy cards down and, with some sort of an incoherent apology about havingan appointment, I rushed from the room. As if in a dream I have avague recollection of tearing through the hall, snatching my hat fromthe stand, and slamming the door behind me. As in a dream, too, I havethe impression of the double